Well, it was a jolly scene on the stage of the NIS theatre last night, when, in a cheery, upbeat medley of your favourite folktales and mine, the foresters proved the heroes of the evening. No sooner had one member of our Union expertly removed a random bear’s liver and kidneys with one beautiful, swift upper cut that was a joy for any forestry professional to see, than another sterling representative of our venerable organisation had coolly gutted a wolf in full view of the admiring audience, thus heroically releasing a naive young girl and her alcoholic, cake-addicted grandmother. Their sheer professionalism was a joy to behold, especially compared to the amateurish attempts by other cast members at removing their own toes and poisoning their frankly rather dim step-daughters. As we say in the trade, if you want the job done cleanly, get a strapping forester in to do it! A marvellous night’s entertainment was had by all.
The Daily Acorn: Magazine of The Amalgamated Union of Foresters, Woodcutters and Other Jolly Hunting Types
Parental Advisory! Parents of wolf cubs, stay away from the NIS stage, where a thoroughly depressing saga has been performed at the expense of the very lives of fellow wolves. Yes, a wolf is sacrificed nightly to the feral demands of a rampant human audience who constantly fail to see beyond the ancient stereotypes that enforce the usual discrimination against us wolves. Little do humans realise that we are currently the demographic that consumes more conditioner and shampoo than any other mammalian consumer of household products (apart from the bear, another grossly misunderstood fellow sufferer, one of whom was gruesomely disembowelled on stage in the same cruel performance last night)*. When will this exploitation end, brothers and sisters? When will humans realise that a wolf never ate a grandmother and a small girl all in one sitting? When will they understand that this is not even possible, and show a more realistic scenario, in which suburban wolves return home via a pamper session from the supermarket in their family saloon and unpack frozen human body parts to store in their basement freezer like any other family? These old folktales must be updated! Boycott this show in protest, fellow wolves! You enter the theatre at your peril.
The Weekly Wolf
* The Economist, May 2014